When Should Couples Go to Therapy? 7 Signs It’s Time

Many couples wonder whether their relationship problems are serious enough to seek couples therapy. The truth is, couples therapy isn’t reserved for couples in crisis. In fact, couples benefit most when they seek couples therapy before their problems become deeply entrenched.

The earlier you can recognize the signs of unhealthy relationship patterns, the easier it is to develop healthier ways of communicating, deepening emotional connection, and improving relationship satisfaction. Research shows that around 70% of couples who participate in couples counselling found therapy to be effective. 

If you’re wondering when to seek couples therapy, here are 7 common warning signs that it may be time to seek support. 

1. When You Keep Having the Same Argument 

Many couples find themselves arguing about the same thing year after year, despite their best efforts to resolve it. Research from the Gottman Institute found that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems that never quite get resolved as they’re rooted in deeper meaning most couples aren’t aware of. 

Relationship expert Esther Perel suggests these recurring conflicts are often really about:

• power and control → “Whose needs matter most?”
• trust and security → “Can I count on you?”
• recognition and respect → “Do I matter to you?”

When couples continue to fight about these “unsolvable” conflicts, they feel exhausted, misunderstood, and resentful towards one another. Couple’s therapy can help couples uncover what they’re really fighting about beneath the surface, and provide education around how to manage these conflicts in a healthy, more constructive way.

2. When Communication Feels Difficult

Communication problems in relationships are one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. 

This may look like: 

• Discussions quickly escalating into arguments 
• One or both partners becoming defensive 
• Walking on egg shells out of fear of your partner’s reactions
• Avoidance of difficult topics altogether 
• “Stonewalling” or shutting down during discussions
• “Kitchen sinking,” when a discussion about one issue quickly turns into an argument about multiple unresolved concerns 

Over time, communication difficulties can make it harder for partners to feel heard, understood, and emotionally connected to one another. Misunderstandings may become more frequent, conflicts become more difficult to resolve, and partners may begin to withdraw from one another. Couples therapy can help partners develop healthier communication patterns, increase emotional safety, and learn how to navigate difficult conversations more effectively.

3. When You Feel More Like Roommates Than Partners 

Relationships naturally go through periods where connection, romance, and intimacy take a backseat. However, when emotional and physical intimacy continue to decline, couples may start to feel more like roommates than romantic partners.  

You may notice: 

• Emotional distance, limited affection, and lack of desire
• Attributing lack of romance and desire to “being busy”
• Spending less quality time together
• Assuming love and connection will return with time 
• Feeling lonely despite being in a relationship 

Couples therapy can create the space to slow down and explore the factors contributing to disconnection. It’s a chance to learn what gets in the way of excitement and curiosity in one another. Over time, responsibilities, routines, and life stressors can leave little room for playfulness, intimacy, or meaningful connection. Therapy can help couples reconnect with one another, rediscover what drew them together, and create opportunities for both closeness and growth.

4. During Major Life Transitions 

Most often, we think of couples therapy as the prescription for couples experiencing relationship problems, but we don’t often consider the invisible impact that life transitions have on relationships. Many of the couples I meet with use couples therapy as an opportunity to process the impact of these life changes together. Life transitions don’t just change your circumstances; they change people. 

Common transitions that can impact your relationship include: 

• Marriage & cohabitation 
• Pregnancy or becoming parents 
• Grief and loss
• Moving 
• Illness 
• Starting a new job or business
• Children leaving home 

While these life chapters bring excitement and growth, they can also create uncertainty, stress, and unexpected challenges. Life transitions impact more than just our circumstances—they shift our identities. Becoming a parent, losing a loved one, pursuing a new career, or navigating health challenges can change our lifestyles, routines, and needs of one another. 

Couples therapy provides a space to openly discuss fears, hopes, expectations, and changing needs during periods of transition. Rather than allowing stress and uncertainty to create distance, therapy can help couples grow together, rediscover one another, and build a shared vision of how they want to move forward together.

5. After a Breach of Trust

Trust can be damaged in many ways. While emotional and physical infidelity are common reasons couples seek therapy, breaches of trust can also include dishonesty, broken agreements, and boundary violations. Couples therapy can help both the betrayed partner and the partner that caused the breach.

The Betrayed Partner

When trust has been broken, partners often experience hurt, anger, betrayal, and uncertainty about the future of their relationship. Their sense of emotional safety may feel shattered, leaving them questioning how they see their partner, the relationship, and themselves.

Some hurt partners feel an immediate urge to leave the relationship as a means of self-protection. Others may find themselves prematurely forgiving their partner (“rug sweeping”) in an attempt to reduce emotional overwhelm, avoid conflict, or return to a sense of normalcy. While forgiveness may eventually be part of the healing process, it is important that couples first process the emotional injury.

The hurt partner may find themselves wondering:

• If they did this once, what tells me they won’t do it again?
• I don’t know my partner anymore.
• What does this mean about our relationship?
• How can I ever trust again?
• What did I do to deserve this? Was I not good enough? 

The Partner Who Caused the Breach

We often overlook the impact on the partner who caused the breach of trust. They may experience deep shame, regret, and self-blame. While these feelings are understandable, excessive shame can actually interfere with repairing the relationship.

As Esther Perel suggests in The State of Affairs, affairs are not necessarily a rejection of a partner, but sometimes a rejection of the person someone has become within the relationship. Working with an experienced couples therapist can help partners move beyond shame, effectively process the roots and origins of the offence, process the emotional injury, and determine next steps for the couple. 

6. The Arguments Turn Hostile 

Conflict within a relationship is not inherently harmful. In fact, disagreements and conflict is necessary for creating a lasting and meaningful relationship. However, conflicts becomes problematic when it includes: 

• Yelling 
• Criticism (e.g. name calling, blaming, personal attacks)
• Contempt: disrespect and perceived superiority over the other 
• Threats to oneself or one another 
• Physical aggression (e.g. throwing or breaking objects) or violence towards one another 

When arguments become oppositional, emotional safety in the relationship is compromised and partners begin to view each other as opponents rather than teammates. This quickly erodes trust, safety, and the possibility of a happy, long-term relationship. Couples who seek therapy to manage hostile conflict can effectively learn how to identify destructive patterns, intervene and introduce new means of communication, and learn how to “fight right.” 

It is important to note that couples therapy is not an appropriate tool when there is ongoing physical violence, coercive control, intimidation, or fear within the relationship.In these situations, couples therapy can inadvertently increase vulnerability, risk of violence, and cannot be effective.

Before beginning couples therapy, the primary focus must be surrounding safety planning, assessing for risk factors, and building support for the individuals at risk. Once safety has been established, therapeutic support can help individuals process the impact of abuse and determine the best path forward.

If you are experiencing physical abuse, violence, threats, or coercive control, seeking individual support from a therapist, domestic violence service, or crisis resource is often the safest first step. 

7. You Want a Healthier Relationship

Oftentimes, couples will turn to couples therapy as a final lifeline for their relationship. While couples counselling can certainly help couples through significant challenges, it shouldn’t be your last resort. Many couples seek therapy as a preventative measure in order to strengthen their relationship, improve communication, and deepen the emotional intimacy within the relationship. 

Research has consistently shown that healthy relationships require ongoing care and attention. Whether it’s learning new ways to communicate, creating shared experiences, or addressing concerns along the way, therapy can help couples build a solid foundation for long-term relationship satisfaction.

Therapy is not a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. Rather, it is a resource that can help you strengthen what is already working, address areas for growth, and create the kind of relationship you both want to cultivate.

Looking For Couples Therapy in Toronto? 

Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing the resilience of couples as they repair trust, improve communication, rekindle their connection, and form new ways of understanding one another. My experience working with couples has reinforced my belief that although couples therapy can be extremely useful during urgent interpersonal moments, it should not only be reserved for couples in crisis. My hope is that we continue to challenge the stigma that couples therapy is reserved for couples on the brink of separation. Seeking support is not a sign that a relationship is failing, but rather a sign that both partners are committed to positive growth. 

Whether you’re experiencing recurring or high conflict, issues communicating, emotional distance, or simply want to strengthen your relationship, relationship counselling can provide the space to make lasting meaningful change together. 

About the Author

My name is Robin Shereck and I am a Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist with several years of experience and training providing couples therapy. If you’re considering couples therapy in Toronto, I invite you to reach out for a free consultation.