The Problem with Therapy Speak: 3 Common Misuses

I’ve been working in the mental health field for years. As a registered psychotherapist, I’ve witnessed the absolutely remarkable transformations that can happen when people have access to a safe, supportive therapeutic space. Time and again, I’ve seen how therapy can help people heal, grow, and build more fulfilling lives.

Needless to say, I’m a strong believer in therapy and the many tools that come with it. When they’re understood and applied thoughtfully, they can be truly life-changing.

However, I’d be disingenuous if I denied some of the ways that therapy terms become distorted, misunderstood, and sometimes, even purposefully corrupted. “Therapy speak” is the phenomenon of using therapy concepts in inappropriate contexts, and it often results in avoiding growth rather than facilitating it, or passing judgment onto others.

In this article, I’ll break down some of the most common ways I’ve seen therapy speak misused, namely these three concepts: 

• Boundaries
• Gaslighting
• Narcissist

Disclaimer

Before we dive in, I want to state this outright: emotional abuse is real. Gaslighting is real. Controlling relationships are real. Nothing in this article is meant to dismiss or invalidate the experiences of people who have endured abusive relationships or psychological harm.

My goal is simply to encourage more thoughtful use of these terms. When we misuse psychological language, it loses meaning. On the flip side, when we use it accurately, it becomes more useful.

If you’re reading this because you’re questioning whether your relationship is healthy or whether what you’ve experienced may be abuse, I encourage you to speak with a qualified therapist. You don’t have to figure it out on your own, and you don’t need to wait until you’re certain before reaching out for support.

Boundaries

Learning how to set boundaries can be a life changing skill. It’s a tool that’s vital to maintaining healthy relationships. It’s also a tool that’s often defined incorrectly. 

So what is a boundary? A boundary is a statement we make to describe what will happen if something inflicts our autonomy or emotional wellness, followed by the action itself. A boundary is not a request, and a boundary is not unfulfilled. 

For example, a boundary is not: 

“Stop yelling at me over the phone.” 

A boundary is: 

“If you keep yelling at me over the phone, I’m going to hang up.”

Followed by the fulfillment of the statement if the person continues yelling.

Notice that in the first statement, the choice remains with the person yelling over the phone. They can continue to scream or stop, but there’s not much in there that gives us autonomy. The second statement, on the other hand, brings the choice back to us. They can stop screaming, and we’ll keep speaking. They can keep screaming, and we’ll hang up. We have autonomy. 

An important feature of a boundary is what they protect and what they maintain. Boundaries protect our dignity, respect, wellness, and autonomy. Boundaries maintain healthy relationships while maintaining our own wellbeing.

How Boundaries Are Misused

More and more, I’ve seen the term “boundary” used to avoid discomfort, accountability, and interpersonal responsibilities altogether. 

Sometimes people describe decisions as boundaries when they’re actually attempts to control another person’s behaviour. For example:

“My boundary is that you’re not allowed to spend time with your friends.”

That’s not a boundary. That’s a rule you’re attempting to impose on someone else.

Other times, the word “boundary” becomes a shield against difficult conversations.

“I’m setting a boundary by refusing to discuss this.”

There are certainly times when ending a conversation is healthy and necessary, particularly if it has become abusive or unproductive, but refusing every uncomfortable conversation isn’t boundary setting, it’s avoidance.

Healthy relationships require us to tolerate some discomfort. Repairing conflict, hearing feedback, apologizing, and working through misunderstandings are all uncomfortable experiences. Avoiding them doesn’t protect relationships; it often weakens them.

What Healthy Boundaries Actually Look Like

When setting a boundary, some good questions to ask yourself are:

“Is this statement about what someone else has to do, or about what I will do?”

“What am I protecting with this boundary?”

If it’s focused on controlling another person’s behaviour, it’s probably not a boundary. And while boundaries do, from time to time, work to end or distance relationships, more often than not, they’re made to maintain connection not to stop it in its tracks.

If it’s a clear statement about how you’ll respond to protect your well-being while respecting the other person’s freedom to choose, you’re much closer to the true meaning of the term.

Gaslighting

“Gaslighting” has become one of the most overused “therapy speak” words.

The term actually comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband purposefully manipulates his wife into doubting her own sanity. He secretly dims the gas-powered lights in their home and, when she notices, insists that she’s imagining it. Over time, he undermines her confidence in her own memory, perceptions, and judgment so that she becomes increasingly dependent on him.

That’s where the term came from, and it represents something important: gaslighting isn’t simply lying or disagreeing with someone. It’s a deliberate pattern of psychological manipulation designed to make another person question their own reality.

How Gaslighting Is Misused

Lately, it’s become common to hear someone describe any disagreement as gaslighting.

“You said I don’t care about you.”

“No, that’s not how I remember it.”

That, on its own, is not gaslighting. No one’s memory is perfect; two people can experience the exact same event and honestly walk away with different recollections. Miscommunication happens, perspective differs and our histories often inform our interpretations of present situations. None of that automatically means someone is manipulating you. Similarly, challenging someone’s interpretation isn’t inherently abusive.

In fact, healthy relationships require space for two realities to exist at the same time. We can acknowledge another person’s emotional experience without agreeing with every detail of their interpretation. We can say, “I can understand that,” while also recognizing that our own perspective may be different.

Of course, there are absolutely people who gaslight. It happens, and it can be profoundly damaging. But when we use the word to describe every disagreement or every time someone sees things differently, we dilute the meaning of a term that should be reserved for a very real form of emotional abuse. 

This is why nuance is so important. Disagreement isn’t gaslighting. A difference in memory isn’t gaslighting. Even being wrong isn’t gaslighting. Gaslighting requires intention and pattern. It’s a sustained effort to undermine another person’s confidence in their own perceptions. The goal isn’t to express a different point of view; it’s to make the other person doubt their own reality. Over time, the person being gaslit begins to question their memory, judgment, and even their sanity.

That’s very different from two people simply remembering the same experience differently.

Narcissist

Somewhere along the way, it became popular to diagnose everyone we dislike as a narcissist.

A selfish ex? Narcissist.

A difficult boss? Narcissist.

An immature family member? Narcissist.

The word has become so commonplace that it’s almost lost its meaning.

Now, to be clear, narcissistic personality disorder is a legitimate mental health diagnosis. It exists, and people who meet the criteria often cause significant distress in their relationships.

However, it’s also relatively uncommon. Most people who are selfish, insensitive, or emotionally immature do not meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. More importantly, diagnosing people isn’t our job.

How “Narcissist” Is Misused

Calling someone a narcissist has become shorthand for saying, “This person hurt me,” but hurting someone and having a personality disorder aren’t the same thing. People can be inconsiderate without being narcissists. They can be emotionally unavailable, controlling, struggle with empathy, and be poor communicators without being narcissists. They can even behave in narcissistic ways from time to time without having narcissistic personality disorder.

That’s true of many psychological traits. We all exhibit anxiety sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we have an anxiety disorder. We all feel sad, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re clinically depressed. 

In the same way, displaying narcissistic traits isn’t the same as having a personality disorder. There is actually something called healthy narcissism. Healthy narcissism refers to a balanced confidence that allows us to pursue our goals or further our interests. For example, a healthy narcissism enables us to advocate for getting a raise, or get out of a bad relationship.

When we call everyone who hurts us a narcissist, we oversimplify a complex human behaviour and shift our attention away from the question that matters most. Instead of asking, “Are they a narcissist?” try asking, “How am I being treated?”

That question is almost always more useful.

Whether someone meets the diagnostic criteria doesn’t actually change what you need to do. If someone consistently manipulates you, lies to you, or makes you feel unsafe, those behaviours matter regardless of what diagnosis they may or may not have. Sometimes we’re so busy trying to determine what’s wrong with the other person that we forget to pay attention to what’s happening to us.

In therapy, we’re generally less interested in assigning labels than we are in understanding patterns. Patterns tell us much more about the health of a relationship than a diagnosis ever could. If someone repeatedly demonstrates behaviours that leave you feeling anxious, diminished, controlled, or unsafe, that’s worth paying attention to. You don’t need a clinical label to decide that a relationship isn’t healthy for you.

All in all,

I’m genuinely grateful that conversations about mental health have become more common. People are more willing than ever to talk about therapy, emotions, relationships, and healing. 

At the same time, I think we do ourselves a disservice when complex concepts become oversimplified buzzwords.

Precise language helps us understand ourselves more clearly. The more thoughtfully we use these concepts, the more useful they become.

Looking for a Therapist in Toronto?

If you’re working through nuanced or difficult topics and wondering whether therapy is the right next step, I offer a free 15-minute consultation where we can talk about what’s bringing you in, answer any questions you have, and see whether we’re a good fit. And if I’m not the right therapist for you, I’m happy to help connect you with someone in my trusted network who may be.