The Myth of “Closure”: Why Waiting for an Apology Keeps You Trapped

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say, “I need closure,” I could celebrate a very early retirement. Whether it’s from an ex, a friend, or a family member, people are absolutely taken with the idea that they need closure to move forward from a break up or an argument.

The definition of closure, when used in this context, is usually really vague. 

Closure becomes some undefined set of words that will supposedly free the recipient from all of the emotional baggage associated with a difficult interpersonal issue. 

Sometimes, it is a little bit more defined: 

“I need them to apologize.”

“They need to just tell me it’s over.”

“I need them to admit to what they did.” 

It’s always, however, framed as what the other person is supposed to do to alleviate us– and that’s where the problem lies. 

In this article, I will break down the following topic: 

• Why we crave closure
• Why healing can’t depend on someone else
• The secret to actually get closure
• Creating Closure

By the end of the article, you’ll have a better understanding of why “closure,” as commonly defined, can be so tempting to pursue, why we can’t rely on someone else to find internal peace, and how we can create our own sense of closure.

Why We Crave Closure

The typical definition of closure is so alluring. 

It’s usually defined by the following: we have a conversation with someone who’s hurt us in some way, we explain ourselves just right, and by the end they have taken accountability for their actions, or at least given us a straight answer about something that’s been up in the air for too long. What an incredibly enticing idea! 

It’s applicable and satisfying in a ton of situations:

• The flighty situationship gives us a straight answer about where the relationship is going.
• The ex finally apologizes for how they treated us.
• The friend admits they were wrong.
• The parent acknowledges the pain they caused.
• The cheating partner tells us the whole truth.
• The ghoster explains why they disappeared.
• The toxic boss admits they treated us unfairly.
• The sibling takes responsibility for years of hurt.
• The person who rejected us tells us it wasn’t our fault.
• The narcissistic ex suddenly develops empathy.

The more emotionally invested we are in a relationship, the stronger our longing for this kind of closure tends to be. We may eventually shrug off being ghosted after a single date, but it’s much harder to stop searching for answers when someone has spent a year stringing us along without ever truly committing. It’s easy to roll our eyes at an insensitive comment from a distant relative, but far more difficult to let go of the hope that a parent who neglected us will one day acknowledge the pain they caused. The deeper the wound, the more tempting it is to believe that healing depends on the person who inflicted it.

But that’s the problem: healing depends entirely on them. With this definition of closure, moving on is completely dependent on someone else uttering the magic words.

Why Healing Can’t Depend on Someone Else

Am I suggesting that we should never look for an apology or explanation from others? No. Am I suggesting that all issues should be resolved on your own? Also no. I am, however, asking you to consider this question: 

How much power have I put into the other person’s hands? 

This question requires us to consider another pretty high stakes question:

What happens if that person never gives me what I need?

If you’re reliant on someone else to be emotionally okay or to move on, you’ve given up too much of your own autonomy. This doesn’t just delay healing, it often prolongs suffering. You stay emotionally tethered to the person, replaying conversations in your mind, imagining what you would say, wondering if they’ll ever come around, and interpreting every interaction as a sign that closure might finally be within reach. Months, or even years, can pass while you’re waiting for someone else to unlock the door to the room you’re stuck in.

The cruel irony is that the very people we’re waiting on are usually the least able to give us what we’re asking for. The person who lied to you may never become honest. The parent who spent decades avoiding accountability isn’t likely to develop it overnight. The emotionally unavailable partner who couldn’t meet your needs during the relationship probably won’t become emotionally available after it’s over.

This is why healing cannot rest on someone else’s behaviour. When we make our recovery conditional on another person’s choices, we surrender the very thing that allows us to recover: our own agency.

The Secret to Actually Get Closure

So, let’s redefine closure as something we can really sink our teeth into. We’ll start with this very uncomfortable truth: 

The old way of defining closure is nothing but a healing fantasy. If you’ve spent indiscriminate amounts of time and energy trying to get someone to take accountability or behave in a new way, it’s time to stop. There is no way of explaining it just right. There is no way of showing them how things have affected you. They are unwilling or unable to see you.

Now, let’s shift the focus onto you. Closure, unfortunately and unsatisfyingly, can only come from within. It sucks because most people don’t want self-generated closure, they want justice and affirmation. They want the person who hurt them to understand the pain they caused. Those are extremely human desires, and there’s nothing wrong with having them.

Those desires, however, are not prerequisites for healing. Peace can only come from accepting what the other person has given you, even if questions remain unanswered, pain remains unseen, or apologies remain unsaid.

I want to make it clear that this process can be deeply painful. The idea that another person might finally be able to see us may have become a dam of sorts. The singular wall holding back the grief that may flood in when we finally sit with the fact they may not. This grief holds, not only what happened, but what you hoped would happen.

This grief also comes with the acceptance that the person who poisoned your well will not be the one to provide the antidote. Although it’s tough, this acceptance is where your power returns. You can stop asking something of someone else, and instead ask yourself the question:

What do I need in order to move forward, even if they never change?

Now, I want to make it clear, acceptance doesn’t mean approving of what happened. It doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t hurt, forgiving before you’re ready, or deciding that what they did was okay. Acceptance simply means acknowledging reality as it is, rather than exhausting yourself fighting the reality you wish existed.

That’s what closure actually is: not the end of pain, but the end of waiting.

Creating Closure

Studies show that finding your own meaning after a break up, rather than waiting for someone to help you create one is beneficial. Creating your own closure looks different for everyone, but there are guidelines we can follow to help us on our way.

Acknowledging what happened.

Sometimes we stay stuck because we’re still trying to negotiate with the past. We replay conversations, analyze details, and search for the moment where things could have gone differently. Closure begins when we allow ourselves to say: “This happened, it hurt me, I don’t need their agreement for my experience to be real.”

Allowing yourself to grieve.

Moving on doesn’t mean pretending you weren’t hurt. It means making space for the sadness, anger, disappointment, and loss that come with accepting reality. Grief isn’t a sign that you are stuck or doing something wrong, it just means you’re processing a past or future you were deeply invested in.

Releasing the need for a different ending.

Sometimes the ending we wanted is not the ending we received. Closure means recognizing that the absence of an apology, explanation, or acknowledgment is still information. Their silence, avoidance, or inability to take accountability tells you something about what they are capable of offering.

Choosing yourself.

The final step of closure is deciding that your healing is no longer dependent on their participation. You can wish they had done better and still choose to move forward. You can acknowledge the harm and still refuse to let it define your future. Provide yourself with what you need. Whether that be affection, validation, reassurance, or the sense of safety you were hoping another person would finally offer you.

This doesn’t mean you stop needing other people. We are wired for connection, and healthy relationships are important, it means you stop handing someone else the responsibility of your wellbeing entirely.

Having Trouble Creating Closure? 

If you’re finding yourself stuck waiting for an apology, an explanation, or a version of someone else who may never show up, you don’t have to navigate that process alone.

Therapy can help you untangle the pain, grief, and unanswered questions that come with difficult relationships, and help you begin creating closure that doesn’t depend on someone else changing.

Book a 15-minute call to explore how therapy can support you in moving forward.

If you’d like to keep reading about related topics, you may also be interested in Healing From Emotionally Immature Parenting.