5 Science-Backed Tips That Can Strengthen Your Relationship

I’ve been a psychotherapist in the mental health field for years and have seen my fair share of couples. I know no two couples are the same, everyone has a unique dynamic that differentiates their communication from any other.

However, after a while, you begin to notice certain patterns emerge. While arguments differ, some of the undercurrents sound familiar. You feel your needs are unmet, they feel like nothing they do is good enough. They want to talk things through immediately, you need space to process. You feel ignored, while they feel overwhelmed. 

Before long, the original issues almost became secondary. The couple is no longer arguing about the dishes, the money, the missed text, or who forgot to make the appointment; they’re arguing about what those things mean.

“Do you care about me?”

“Can I rely on you?”

“Do I matter to you?”

“Are you actually listening to me?”

John Gottman is a psychologist and professor that’s spent decades studying the art of the relationship. In one research study, he was able to predict whether married couples would stay together with 94% accuracy! Since this study, he’s been generous with his knowledge of how couples stay happily connected. The good news is that many of the habits he recommends are surprisingly simple (although not always easy to actually incorporate). They don’t require expensive date nights, elaborate romantic gestures, or completely changing who you are as a partner.

In this article, I’ll break down five of the most science-backed relationships tips based on Gottman’s research, including: 

• The “turn towards” method
• The 4 toxic relationship habits to avoid
• The best approach to handling conflict
• The “magic ratio”
• Building a culture of appreciation.

By the end, you’ll have a better understanding of how you can strengthen your relationship.

1. “Turn Towards” Method

Who doesn’t love a good rom-com? The big gestures are always so romantic, and they seem to really work! In real life, however, these gestures matter a lot less than the “ever after” that comes after the end of the movie.

In the real world, small moments of connection matter. Gottman’s research emphasizes the importance of responding to your partner’s bids for attention, affection, or support rather than ignoring or dismissing them. A bid is any big or small attempt to connect with your partner.

What does this look like in real life? It might be something obvious like, “Can I tell you about my day?” It could also be more subtle; your partner might show you a funny video, point something out while you’re driving, tell you about something that happened at work, or make a simple comment about their day.

At face value, those moments might feel inconsequential, but they’re really important. They’re what keep a relationship strong in between the big dates or elaborate vacations. In fact, Gottman’s research suggests that those who are masters at love will turn towards one another’s bids 85% of the time, while those who struggled in relationships only turned towards their partner’s bids 33% of the time.

Essentially, bids are a way for your partner to ask, “Will you join me in this moment?” In response, we want to turn towards them. Turning towards means engaging with them. It could be putting your phone down and listening, asking a meaningful question that implies you’re interested, or just saying, “tell me more.” 

On the flip side, repeatedly turning away might look like:

• Ignoring your partner
• Continuing to scroll on your phone
• Giving a distracted response
• Changing the subject
• Responding with irritation
• Acting as though what they’re sharing doesn’t matter

No one’s ever perfect, even the “masters” don’t turn towards their partners 100% of the time. We all get tired, busy, distracted, or overwhelmed. More than anything, we want to become aware that these small opportunities for connection are important, and respond to them more often.

2. The 4 Toxic Relationship Habits to Avoid

We all argue, and believe it or not, there’s nothing wrong with that; even the happiest couples do it. The difference between a successful couple and an unsuccessful one has less to do with how much they argue and a lot more to do with how they argue.

Now, if you’ve been in a relationship long enough, you’ve probably said things you wish you could take back or moments when your anger got the better of you. However, if the occasional moments begin to turn into patterns of poor communication, you may be causing real damage to your relationship. 

Gottman identified four particularly destructive communication patterns, which he famously called the Four Horsemen: 

• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Contempt
• Stonewalling

One of the greatest things we can do for the health of our relationship is recognize the Horsemen and work towards shifting away from them.

Criticism

Criticism is the first of the four, and it refers to the attack on your partner’s character. Rather than talking about how you experienced a situation or your emotional experience of it, you jump into an accusation.

For example:

“You never listen.”

“You’re so selfish.”

“You’re impossible to live with.”

So, is the alternative never to share how you feel about the situation? Quite the opposite; notice how in the examples above there is no communication of your emotions, only statements about the other person. Instead, we want to shift towards our own experience of the situation:

“I feel disconnected when I’m talking and don’t feel heard.”

“I feel anxious when you work late and don’t keep me in the loop.”

“I feel alone when I’m the only one cleaning up after dinner.”

In these examples, we’re actually talking about how we feel instead of criticizing the other.

Defensiveness

Then there’s defensiveness. This is what happens when we feel accused and immediately start trying to prove that we aren’t the problem. For example:

“I thought you were going to empty the dishwasher today.”

“Well, you forget all of the time, too.”

“What about all the things I do?”

“You know I was busy, you should’ve just done it!”

Instead of acknowledging where we can take accountability for a broken commitment or a mistake made, someone who’s defensive will shift the blame towards their partner. The problem not only remains unresolved, but it often makes the conflict worsen.

We all get defensive from time to time, but it’s important to take stock and try to engage with your partner’s statement in a different way. Sometimes the most effective response is actually to look for the part you can own:

“Oops, I completely forgot, sorry about that. I can do it now.”

Contempt

Contempt is one of the trickiest Horsemen because it takes things a step further. It communicates disrespect or superiority and it is the singular biggest factor that predicts divorce. It can look and sound like: 

“You’re pathetic, I can’t believe I have to deal with you. You’re so lazy and childish. You need to grow up and be an adult.”

Scoffing and eye-rolling.

Mocking or mimicking your partner.

Contempt is particularly damaging because it doesn’t just communicate frustration with a behaviour, but that your partner is beneath you. There is no room for contempt in a partnership, and when I see it in session I urge clients to treat it as a relationship emergency. 

Stonewalling

Finally, there’s stonewalling. This happens when someone completely withdraws from the conversation and simply stops engaging. It looks like:

Walking away

Refusing to respond

Tuning out

Leaving your partner wondering whether the conversation is ever going to continue

Sometimes people need alone time from their partners because they’re overwhelmed or “flooded.” They aren’t necessarily trying to punish their partner; they may genuinely feel like they can’t continue the conversation without making things worse.

In those moments, taking a break can actually be healthy to avoid stonewalling. The difference is that it’s communicated and you get back to the conflict once you’ve soothed your nervous system:

“I’m too overwhelmed to have this conversation properly right now. I need 30 minutes, and then I want to come back to this.”

3. Handle Conflict With This Approach

So now we know what not to do, let’s get to the best approach to take when you do argue. It’s one of the simplest tips to share and one of the hardest ones to actually incorporate when you’re in an argument: Handle conflict with curiosity, not criticism.

This means shifting meaningfully away from, “How do I prove my point?” to “What can I understand about my partner’s experience?” 

I know, it’s not easy. During an argument, our nervous systems are often focused on defending ourselves, proving our position, or making sure our partner understands why we’re right. When we double down on that, however, we completely lose out on important information about our partner’s experience: 

• A disagreement about chores may actually be about feeling unappreciated.
• An argument about spending may be about feeling unsafe or out of control.
• A disagreement about intimacy may be about feeling rejected.
• A conflict about time together may actually be about loneliness.

When we only focus on the surface-level argument and proving who’s correct, we end up fighting about the same issue repeatedly without addressing what’s underneath it. That argument you always seem to have that you can’t seem to get out of? Odds are, if you approach it with genuine curiosity, something about it will shift.

For example, imagine a couple arguing about their communication:

“Why do you always shut down when I talk to you?”

“You’re always telling me what I’m doing wrong, I don’t want to hear it.” 

And now they’re off to the races.

The conversation quickly becomes a debate. Let’s replay it, and see what happens if they slowed down, shared their own experiences instead of criticisms, and got curious.

“I feel like whenever I bring something up, you just stop talking to me. Then I’m left feeling like you don’t care about what I’m saying.”

“I’m not trying to ignore you. I honestly feel like whenever you bring something up, it’s because I’ve done something wrong. After a while, I just don’t know what to say.”

That’s a very different conversation. Neither person is accusing the other of being the problem. They’re explaining what the interaction feels like from their side. Now they have an opportunity to get curious.

“What makes you feel like I’m criticizing you?”

“I guess it’s when I hear things like ‘you never listen’ or ‘you always do this.’ I start feeling like whatever I say is just going to make things worse.”

“Okay. I can see that. I don’t mean for it to come across that way. I think when you shut down, I get frustrated and then I come in even stronger because I feel like you’re not hearing me.”

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Again, the goal isn’t to agree with everything your partner says or not to get mad. It’s more about trying to understand their experience without deciding that they are right and you are wrong. You’re not giving up your needs or abandoning your perspective, just creating enough space to understand what is actually happening between the two of you.

These may seem like small changes in wording, but they can completely change the tone of an interaction.

4. Practice the Magic Ratio

You thought the last one was tough? Wait until you hear about the magic ratio.

The magic ratio is the basic idea that stable, satisfied couples tend to experience considerably more positive interactions than negative ones, including during conflict. Gottman even gave us a number; for every negative interaction you have in an argument, you need five positive interactions. When you’re out of an argument, the ratio changes to twenty positive interactions for every negative one! 

That’s right, even in arguments we need to have positive moments with our partner. This doesn’t mean you need to count every interaction you have with your partner or that you need to force positivity into an unhealthy relationship or pretend everything is fine.

Instead, think of positive interactions as little deposits into your relationship. These moments can be incredibly simple:

• “Okay, I can see why you’d be upset about that.”
• “I get what you’re saying.”
• “You’re right about that part.”
• “Wait, let me make sure I understand you.”
• “I think I interrupted you. Go ahead.”
• Taking some responsibility
• “Yeah, I could’ve handled that better.”
• “I can see how what I said came across that way.”
• “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
• Reminding each other you’re on the same team
• “I love you. I’m just really frustrated right now.”
• Using a little warmth or humour, not at their expense
• Taking their hand or giving them a hug when appropriate.
• “Can we start that sentence again? That came out way harsher than I meant.”
• “I’m getting defensive. Give me a second.”
• “Can we take a break and come back to this? I do want to finish the conversation.”

These little deposits go a long way.

5. Build a Culture of Appreciation

This last one is a relationship-long approach. It’s simple but powerful: Regularly notice what your partner does well and express genuine appreciation whenever you can.

A ton of couples do this at the beginning of their relationship. We notice their sense of humour, their kindness, way they make us laugh, even their good looks. Over time, familiarity can change this, but recovering it is a matter of habit.

Remember, too, to say it out loud. You’d be shocked at the number of couples I’ve seen where one partner says, “Well, of course I’m grateful for this.” and the other person is completely surprised by their appreciation.

Your partner makes coffee every morning, name it. They pick up dinner on the way home, thank them. They listen when you’ve had a difficult day, hug them and tell them it means a lot.

It’s easy for something that’s consistent to become invisible, but we shouldn’t receive less appreciation just because we do good things regularly. Strong relationships benefit from intentionally noticing and expressing appreciation. 

The other added bonus of creating a culture of appreciation is we begin to feel better about our relationship as a whole simply because our brains begin to focus on what’s working versus what’s not.

Couples Therapy in Toronto

Having a healthy relationship does not mean that you never argue. It simply means that you have learned how to navigate the inevitable moments of conflict, disconnection, and misunderstanding with greater intention.

Although the tips are meant to be simple, in practice, they can be surprisingly difficult. If you’re struggling to incorporate healthy habits into your partnership, a couples therapist can help. If you’d like to learn more, you can reach out via email or book a free 15-minute consultation with me.

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