What is Couples Therapy Like? A Toronto Couples Therapist Explains

Making the choice to begin couples therapy can be life changing. It can also be incredibly intimidating. Couples often come in worried that the therapist won’t understand them, stir things up, or take sides. Let’s dispel some of these misconceptions and answer the question, “what is couples therapy really like?”

In this article, I’ll walk through the following concerns:

• What happens during your first couples therapy session?
• What can I expect throughout couples therapy?
• How long does couples therapy take?
• What to expect between therapy sessions

By the end, I hope you’ll feel more confident knowing what couples therapy looks like and what it can do for you.

What Happens During Your First Couples Therapy Session?

The first couple’s session can feel particularly scary. Not knowing what to expect is nerve-wracking and completely normal. Most couples I see have at least some reservations about the process; after all, it can be incredibly uncomfortable to share intimate details about your relationship to a third party. Your couples therapist will understand this and will work to create a comfortable, non-judgmental environment where both partners feel heard. Don’t worry about coming in “prepared,” your therapist will guide you through the process.

During this first session, the therapist will break down confidentiality, and spend time getting to know you as a couple. Every therapist has a different approach, but generally, they’ll cover the following information:

• Your relationship history
• The concerns that brought you to therapy
• Your hopes for couples therapy
• Some background information about each of you (jobs, family, past therapy experiences)

Both partners will have the opportunity to share their perspectives without interruption. It’s completely okay if it feels like the stories “don’t match.” It is not uncommon for partners to have completely different perspectives on similar issues. A couples therapist will not assign blame, decide who’s right or wrong, or take sides. They’re there to understand the patterns of your relationship and areas of conflict so they can understand how best they can help.

They’ll also spend time explaining how sessions are generally structured, and discuss therapy goals in a collaborative manner. By the end of the first session, you should better understand what couples therapy entails, and have a basic outline of the path forward. Keep in mind that goals are not rigid; they will change as therapy goes on and further insights are made. 

By the end of the first session, you should have a clearer understanding of the therapeutic process and a roadmap for moving forward. While significant changes don’t happen overnight, taking the first step can be an important investment in your relationship and its future. Click here to learn more about the first couples therapy session.

What Can I Expect Throughout Couples Therapy?

Because no two couples share the same dynamic or experience the same concerns, couples therapy is different for everyone. The focus and the pace of therapy depends on your goals and the therapy style your therapist uses. Generally, however, there are common themes that couples who attend therapy can expect.

Throughout therapy, your couples therapist will help you:

• Identify unhelpful patterns that keep you stuck
• Better understand both your and your partner’s needs
• Learn strategies for managing conflict
• Help partners learn to emotionally regulate so you can better communicate
• Explore the meaning and emotions that lie underneath your usual disagreements
• Challenge you to approach familiar situations in new ways

I’ll be honest, while some sessions may feel productive and relieving, others will be challenging. The goal of therapy is to do things differently, which can be tough when we’ve done things one way for years, even decades. 

Your therapist may gently push you to consider new perspectives and approaches, or discuss topics that have been avoided or difficult to address. They will, however, pace things out so changes don’t feel entirely overwhelming. They will also create a space where those conversations can happen constructively.

That discomfort of couples therapy can have incredible results. Couples who are able to shift from their usual patterns begin to experience their relationship in new, meaningful ways. Research shows that after couples therapy, couples feel more connected, better understood, and able to communicate effectively.

How Long Does Couples Therapy Take?

So, how long does couples therapy actually take, and when will you see results?

The annoying answer is that it differs from relationship to relationship. Factors like the following have a big influence on length:

• The nature of the concerns
• How long the concerns have been present
• The goals for couples therapy
• How often you attend sessions
• How open you are to making changes
• Whether you’re applying what you learn outside of the therapy room

Some couples come to therapy with a specific issue they’d like help resolving, for example, learning how to navigate a life transition. Others are working through more complex concerns, such as rebuilding trust after infidelity, healing from long-standing conflict, or changing relationship patterns that have developed over many years. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but generally, these situations require different amounts of time. 

While there isn’t a set number of sessions, research suggests that most couples attend therapy between 3 and 12 months, and an incredible 70%-80% feel better off after treatment. The goal is to work at making progress towards the relationship you both want to build. Your therapist should regularly check in with you regarding:

• Your progress
• Your goals for therapy 
• The frequency of sessions
• When you’ll know you no longer need therapy

What to Expect Between Therapy Sessions

Depending on your goals and their style of therapy, your therapist may occasionally suggest exercises or considerations to continue between sessions. It isn’t “homework” in the traditional sense, it’s more like opportunities to practice new skills in everyday life. Couples who are active about applying what they learn outside of therapy find that progress happens more quickly.

Over time, couples tend to notice improvements. Disagreements will (and should) continue to happen, but many couples begin to develop new ways of understanding and engaging with one another. They begin to communicate more effectively and work through conflict together. Therapy will never be able to create a context where you have no challenges at all, rather it helps you become better at addressing and navigating those challenges.

Couples Therapy in Humewood-Cedarvale

I am a couples therapist working in-person in the Humewood-Cedarvale area as well as online. I help couples better understand the patterns that keep them stuck and support them in building healthier ways of communicating, resolving conflict, and reconnecting emotionally. My approach is compassionate, non-judgmental, and evidence-based. Blame will not be thrown around.

If you’re ready to explore whether couples therapy is right for you, I’d be happy to help. You can book a free consultation or shoot me an email to get started.

Learn more about how effective couples therapy is or read about common signs it’s time for couples therapy.

Want to learn science-backed tools to better your relationship? Click here.