Why Does Dating Suck? Dating Burnout in Toronto
If I had a dollar for every time a client has come into therapy and asked me some variation of the question, “Why does dating suck so much?”, I’d retire. So many people in the city seem to be struggling with dating, regardless of gender or age. Everyone hates the apps but can’t seem to get off them, struggles with fizzled out connections, and is beginning to dread every first date.
So, what’s going on? If there are so many people looking for meaningful connections, why is it that no one is finding one another? Is it you? Is it them? Let’s break down some of the biggest issues I see with dating in Toronto, backed by science.
In this article I address:
- 3 Factors That Are Making Dating Worse
- Recognizing Dating Burnout
- Rethinking Dating
By the end of the article, I hope you’ll have a better understanding of why dating sucks lately, how it may be affecting you, and what you can do about it.
3 Factors That Are Making Dating Worse
To no one’s surprise, this section will be primarily focused on online dating. About half of adults have reported using dating sites or apps to meet people and it has completely reshaped how we approach relationships. Research shows that compulsive dating app usage is connected to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and decreased life satisfaction. Let’s dive into why.
Gamification Algorithms
Let’s make something clear; despite Hinge’s motto, “Designed to be deleted,” dating app algorithms are not meant to find you a match and be removed from your phone… they’re meant to keep you scrolling, because that’s what makes them money. Everything about dating apps is gamified. Swiping left and right triggers similar responses as using a slot machine, and studies show that users have begun to use apps for the dopamine rush associated with “winning” or “losing” at getting matches rather than forming genuine connections.
The problem is that this can subtly shift what we’re actually looking for. We aren’t asking whether we genuinely like the person, we’re looking for the next hit of validation. A fun graphic showing that we matched with someone, the ping notifying us of a message, the rush of a super-like. It all mimics the same mechanisms of gambling machines.
When the match doesn’t turn into anything, we swipe again. When we try to take a break from the app, we get a notification asking us to get back on. It’s tough to get out once you’re in.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting attention, validation, or novelty. The problem is when the structure of the app keeps us chasing those things at the expense of the actual goal: connecting with another person.
This has deep implications. People have become more invested in making their profile that much better so the algorithm favours them. At a certain point, dating can start to feel less about meeting someone and more like marketing yourself.
If you aren’t favoured by the algorithm, there are serious effects on your sense of self. Despite the fact that an algorithm deciding whether your profile gets shown to someone is not the same thing as a person deciding whether they like you, it can feel like rejection. We are either winning or losing, and while both the highs and lows are bad for us, they keep us hooked.
Why make the mechanics of the apps that way? For money. Apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble all offer paid options to boost your profile in some way with the promise that you’ll receive more matches. If you aren’t getting lucky enough, you can pay for more visibility and re-roll those dice.
Options, Options, Infinite Options
Something I like to share with my clients when they fantasize about different generations’ dating experiences is that 30 years ago, people were bound to knowing whoever they met in the “real world.” Someone might have known 500-750 people in their lifetime. Now, we can swipe through that number of people over a weekend with the flick of our thumbs.
There is nothing natural about the way we encounter people or the sheer volume, and there are, unsurprisingly, serious effects to these big changes. One of the biggest is something psychologists have been studying for decades: choice overload.
We tend to assume that more options are always better. It’s nice to know that if one restaurant is closed, we have a back up. It’s fun to compare different vacation destinations. Surely more potential partners means we’re more likely to find exactly what we want. Unfortunately, interpersonal relationships don’t work like that.
When we’re given too many choices, we can become overwhelmed, less satisfied with our eventual decision, and more likely to wonder whether something better is still out there. Dating apps capitalize on this fact.
You might have gone on a perfectly decent date where you liked the person. Nothing was obviously wrong, even if it didn’t feel like a perfect connection. In the past, we might have further invested in this relationship; explored whether you have more in common and ironed out the differences. But today, you open Bumble, and there are 37 more people waiting for a chance to speak with you.
One might be funnier, one might be more attractive, one has the exact job you’re looking for, and another loves the same TV show. Now, the person you just met isn’t being evaluated on whether you enjoyed spending time with them, but being compared against a hypothetical person who doesn’t even exist in your life yet.
Fear of Investing
As aforementioned, one of the stranger psychological consequences of dating apps is that the person you’re dating is competing with people you haven’t met. Oftentimes, our imagination wins, because we imagine that the next person will be more compatible, more attractive, more emotionally available, more exciting, or simply better. We don’t experience the small annoyances, differences, and points of friction in our fantasies, so they always win out when placed against reality.
Now, this doesn’t mean you should settle for someone you’re not interested in or that every mediocre date deserves a second chance. However, let’s consider how this has affected our appraisal-to-investment pipeline. Nowadays, we analyze texts with friends, we compare profile to profile, we spend an hour thinking about whether to go on a second date.
While appraising feels productive, it’s completely overtaken actually choosing and investing in a person. We don’t commit even after a second, third, fourth, or tenth date because… well, what if someone better is around the corner? We also are much more likely to refuse to get through points of friction or minor flaws, because again, we have the hypothetical other, with whom we fantasize we’d have no issues, just a few finger taps away.
Fear of investing is something that dating apps hope for. It brings you back into their algorithms, promising to fulfill the fantasy in a more perfect way. However, this mentality decreases relationship and overall life satisfaction.
Deep, meaningful connections do not lack friction, it is a feature of their depth. Rather than pull away the moment we notice differences, it’s important to learn to work through them. Again, I am not suggesting that you stay with someone deeply toxic or someone with whom you have no common interests or values, rather that we don’t shy away from some level of incompatibility for the hopes of an impossibly perfect match.
Recognizing Dating Burnout
Of course, all of these factors can cause deep dating burnout. Some people are able to identify when they’re feeling exhausted by dating, but many more often miss the signs. Some common experiences of dating burnout include:
- You’re exhausted by first dates. The idea of repeating the same small talk and getting-to-know-you questions feels draining.
- You feel cynical about dating. You find yourself assuming that every connection will eventually fizzle out.
- You’re constantly checking for signs of rejection. A slower reply, a change in texting style, or a cancelled date can feel disproportionately significant.
- You’ve stopped feeling curious about people. Instead of wondering who someone is, you immediately start looking for reasons it won’t work.
- You’re going through the motions. You keep swiping, messaging, and going on dates without actually feeling excited about meeting anyone.
- You’re increasingly avoidant. You delete the apps, reinstall them, match with someone, and then don’t want to respond.
- You feel numb. Rejection doesn’t necessarily hurt anymore, it just feels exhausting or predictable.
- You’re questioning yourself. You start interpreting a lack of matches or unsuccessful dates as evidence that something is wrong with you.
- You feel like dating is a job. You’re managing messages, scheduling dates, optimizing your profile, and keeping track of multiple conversations rather than connecting with people.
- You’re losing hope. You start thinking, “This is just how dating is,” or “I’m never going to meet anyone.”
- You’re no longer sure what you actually want. After consuming so many profiles and opinions about relationships, your own preferences can start to feel unclear.
Rethinking Dating
I often tell my clients that early dating, although often nerve-wracking, is also supposed to be exciting, even fun. If dating feels like a responsibility, if it’s wrought with anxiety, or if it’s making you feel badly about yourself, it’s time to come up with new ways of approaching it. Let’s talk about strategies.
Conscious Online Dating
Because dating apps are made to be addicting, you want to consider setting intentional parameters for yourself so you don’t feel like you’re on a never ending merry-go-round.
Set limits for how long you go on per day. Pick a number of swipes you get, or limit yourself to 30 minutes of swiping and responding to messages and then you’re done. This helps interrupt the dopamine pursuit and limits the perception of the never-ending options. You match with whom you match, you respond to whom you respond, and you close the app when you’re done.
“In Real Life” Dating
One of the biggest reasons why apps got such a big chance to bloom is because people are seeing one another “in real life” a lot less. Not all of that is our fault, an ever-decreasing amount of third spaces has made it a lot more difficult to meet new people and deepen existing relationships.
More and more, in-person mixers are popping up, where people are encouraged to meet face-to-face and engage in actual conversation. These spaces can feel a little awkward at first (especially if you’re used to the relative safety of swiping from your couch) but that awkwardness is not necessarily a bad thing.
We can also spend more time on hobbies, with friends, and attending and hosting get-togethers. This can help us build connections, and potentially meet people with whom we might build a romantic connection. The goal isn’t to turn every social activity into a covert dating opportunity. Please don’t join a pottery class and immediately start scanning the room for your future spouse. The goal is to build a life where meeting people is a natural byproduct of being around people.
Taking a Break
For a lot of people, this feels like a scary option. Fear of missing out on the right match, a feeling that you’re not putting in enough effort into dating, or simply boredom keep us coming back to dating apps again and again. However, you don’t need to be constantly available in order to be open to meeting someone.
Taking a break from the apps doesn’t mean you’ve given up on finding a relationship. It means that you’re choosing to spend your energy somewhere else for a while. In fact, if opening an app has started to feel like a chore, taking a step back may give you the opportunity to remember what you actually enjoy about connecting with other people.
Taking the blinders off of the number of matches you’re getting may also help with your self-esteem. The added energy and focus you have may be spent on things that bring you joy and provide more mental space to be present in your everyday life.
If Dating Is Starting to Feel Like Too Much
If dating has started to leave you feeling exhausted, discouraged, anxious, or questioning yourself, therapy may be a good space to untangle some of your burnout. Sometimes, having a space to talk things through can help you approach dating with more clarity, confidence, and self-compassion.
If you’re ready to explore whether therapy might be helpful, email me or book a free consultation. We can discuss your concerns and see whether therapy is a good fit.
Want to do more reading? Check out these articles:
How Can Childhood Trauma Affect My Relationships?
The Myth of “Closure”: Why Waiting for an Apology Keeps You Trapped
