A Beginner’s Guide to Internal Family Systems (IFS)

If you’ve said any variation of the phrase, “A part of me really wants _______, but another part just wants _______,” you were speaking the exact language of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, also known as “parts work.” IFS has been blowing up in popularity for good reason; it is a transformative, evidence-based approach to psychotherapy that views the human mind not as a single, indivisible entity, but as a complex system of distinct sub-personalities, also known as “parts.” 

Just like a real family, these inner parts can clash, protect one another, or hold onto old hurts. If you’ve ever felt like you are constantly at war with your own thoughts, IFS therapy offers what could be a very valuable shift. It is a roadmap to stop fighting yourself, begin to build self-compassion, and allow your true, core Self to lead the way.

In this article I’ll break down the following:

• What is IFS? Core Principles
• The 3 Types of Parts and the Self
• What Happens During IFS Therapy?

What is IFS? Core Principles

IFS is what’s called an “experiential” therapy. This means that rather than just talking about your life, it also focuses on directly engaging with your inner “parts” during the therapy session. It works off of the concept that we have different parts inside of us with different sets of motivations, ideas of what we should do and how we should do it, and even personalities. A common rendition of parts work can be found in the Pixar movie, Inside Out and its sequel, where we see the main character, Riley, experience different, often competing parts that guide her choices.

It might seem a little far out to consider that we have different parts inside of us, but nearly all of us have oppositional thoughts and emotions about any singular situation on a daily basis. It is not a disorder, it is how every human brain organizes experiences and survival strategies.

Have you ever experienced the following thoughts?

• I’d honestly rather stay home tonight, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to miss out on being social.
• I know I should save money, but there’s a little voice in me saying, “Just treat yourself.”
• I keep telling myself I should get things done today, but another side of me is completely exhausted and just wants to rest.
• The idea of moving somewhere new is exciting, but I can feel myself clinging to everything that’s familiar.
• Part of me wants to go back to school, but another feels starting over is intimidating.
• I know she isn’t a good partner for me, and yet there’s still something in me that wants to go back to her anyway.
• I know I need to set this boundary, but I can already feel the guilt creeping in at the thought of disappointing them.
• I want to forgive my family and move forward, but I’m still carrying a lot of hurt from what happened.
• I can picture myself having children someday, but I also really value the freedom and flexibility I have now.
• Marriage sounds beautiful to me, but I’m also protective of my independence and afraid of losing myself in a relationship.
• I like the idea of expressing myself however I want, but I still catch myself wondering what other people will think.
• I want more structure in my life, but as soon as I start creating too many rules for myself, I feel trapped by them.

It’s an extremely common experience to feel “of two minds” about a decision or emotion. Parts work is the process of explicitly naming the different parts inside of us that often pull us in two different directions and creating more harmony.

Although some of those parts may feel frustrating, scary, anxiety-inducing, or just plain evil, IFS emphasizes that there are no bad parts. Every single part of you has good intentions, even the ones that cause you pain or self-sabotage. The work involves engaging with these parts in a new way, getting curious about what they want to do, and beginning to build internal trust.

The 3 Types of Parts and the Self

IFS suggests we have three different parts inside of us:

• The Managers
• The Firefighters
• The Exiles

Our managers and firefighters are what we call “protectors.” They try to protect us from our deeply felt pain, also known as burdens. The exiles hold onto our burdens and are pushed away by our protectors. We also have the Self, that’s not a part, but actually us. 

The Managers

The managers are the “proactive” internal protectors. They keep you organized, on time, in control, and safe from rejection. I often tell clients that these parts care less about how you feel on the inside in the moment, and care a lot more about everything in your external world being just right.

For example, the perfectionist, the people pleaser, and the inner critic are all managers. Do they make you feel good? Not in the short run. They pick and prod at different parts of you, without worrying about how you experience them. However, they are often deeply concerned with making sure your career, schoolwork, relationships, or appearance are successful.

In other words, your manager parts are constantly scanning your life for anything that could go wrong and then trying to prevent it before it happens. The perfectionist might think, “If I do everything perfectly, nobody can criticize me.” The people pleaser might think, “If everyone is happy with me, then I’ll be safe.” The inner critic might think, “If I point out everything that’s wrong with you first, no one else can hurt you with it.”

None of these parts are trying to make your life miserable just for the sake of it; they actually believe they’re helping. They’ve learned that staying productive, likeable, attractive, successful, or in control is a good way to keep you safe. The problem is that these strategies can become exhausting.

You might have a manager that tells you to work harder when you’re already burnt out, one that convinces you to stay in a relationship because leaving would mean admitting that things didn’t work out, or one that makes you obsess over how you look because it believes being attractive will protect you from rejection.

Sometimes your managers can be so focused on preventing pain that they don’t actually notice how much pain they’re causing you in the process.

The Firefighters

If the managers are the parts that try to prevent pain before it happens, the firefighters are the parts that jump in when the pain is already here. They are the “reactive” internal protectors. When something triggers deep pain, for example when you suddenly feel rejected, abandoned, ashamed, overwhelmed, or deeply hurt, the firefighters don’t want you to sit there and feel it. They want to make the feeling stop as soon as possible.

This is where you might see things like binge eating, drinking, scrolling for hours, shutting down, impulsively spending money, picking a fight, having sex, overworking, or desperately reaching out to someone for reassurance. The behaviour can look very different from person to person, but the goal underneath it is the same: make the bad feeling go away.

A firefighter might say, “I don’t care what happens next. I just need to feel better right now.” If you’ve just been rejected, the firefighter may want to text your ex ten times because sitting with the rejection feels unbearable. If you feel ashamed, it might push you toward distraction because actually feeling the shame is too painful. If you’re overwhelmed, it might shut you down completely because doing nothing feels safer than continuing to feel like you’re failing.

The firefighters aren’t particularly interested in the consequences, only in putting out the fire. That’s why these parts can sometimes lead us to do things that we later regret. In the moment, they aren’t thinking about tomorrow morning, only about how to get you through the next five minutes.

The Exiles

The exiles are the parts of us that carry our pain. They’re the ones our protectors are trying to push down and away. They’re often younger parts of ourselves that learned, through difficult experiences, that certain feelings weren’t safe to have. Maybe you were rejected, criticized, abandoned, bullied, neglected, embarrassed, or made to feel like you weren’t good enough. 

Underneath the perfectionism, there may be a part of you that feels like you’re only lovable when you’re successful. Underneath the people pleasing, there may be a part that is terrified that saying no will cause someone to leave. Underneath the need for reassurance, there may be a younger part that is still desperately looking for proof that you’re not going to be abandoned.

These parts are called “exiles” because our protectors often try to keep them out of awareness. They don’t want you to feel their pain because they believe that if you really let yourself experience it, you’ll become overwhelmed by it. The managers keep the exiles hidden by keeping everything under control or cooled down if the pain slips through. 

This means that a lot of the things we judge ourselves from, like overthinking, people pleasing, avoidance, compulsive behaviours, or shutting down, can actually be understood as attempts to protect something much more vulnerable underneath.

The Self

In IFS, the Self is not another “part.” It is simply, you. Specifically, the you that can step back and relate to all of your other parts, and holds your authentic desires. It is described through the “8 Cs”: calm, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.

You’ve likely experienced some of these qualities before, even if they feel ephemeral. For example, you may have had moments where you could look at a difficult situation without immediately reacting. Moments when you were able to understand why someone hurt you without excusing what they did. Moments when you could notice that you were anxious without becoming completely consumed by the anxiety. These are moments when we’re accessing the Self.

When you’re in Self, you’re calm. You don’t feel like you have to immediately fix, avoid, or react to whatever is happening. There’s a sense that you can slow down and be with what’s happening without being completely overwhelmed by it. You’re also curious; instead of judging yourself for having a certain thought or behaviour, you become interested in it.

There’s also clarity and compassion. You can begin to see what’s actually happening instead of getting completely tangled up in your thoughts and emotions. Compassion means being able to approach your parts without shaming them.

Confidence is the sense that you can trust yourself to handle what comes up. You don’t necessarily know exactly what’s going to happen, but you have a growing belief that you’ll be able to deal with it. Similarly, courage allows you to approach things that are uncomfortable rather than immediately running from them. 

Creativity gives you the ability to see more than one possible path forward. When you’re not completely controlled by a protector, you may suddenly realize, “I don’t have to choose between staying in this relationship and being completely alone. There might be another option.”

Finally, there’s connectedness. This is the sense that you’re connected to yourself, to other people, and to something larger than the individual parts that make up your internal world.

When you’re in Self, you don’t have to hate your anxious part, get rid of your inner critic, or force your people pleaser to shut up. Instead, you can actually develop a relationship with these parts. This is at the heart of IFS; we do not get rid of our managers, firefighters, or exiles, we build relationships so they can trust the Self to lead and don’t feel they have to run the whole show anymore (because, spoiler alert, they don’t want to).

What Happens During IFS Therapy?

So what does all of this actually look like in a therapy session? IFS can sound a little abstract when you’re first learning about it. You might understand the idea of having different parts, but then wonder, “Okay… so what am I actually supposed to do with them?” The answer is, we get to know them.

As aforementioned, IFS therapy is experiential, which means you’re not just sitting across from your therapist talking about your parts intellectually. You’re learning how to actually notice, interact with, and build a relationship with them. Your therapist might ask you to take a breath and turn your attention inward. You may start with something that feels strong in the moment, and rather than immediately trying to change the feeling, we slow down and get curious about it.

You might notice where you feel it in your body. You might give it a name or an image. You might notice what it wants you to do. And then your therapist may ask something like:

• “What do you notice about that part?”
• “What is it afraid would happen if it stopped working so hard?”
• “What does it want you to know?”

For example, you might come into therapy saying, “I know I need to quit checking my ex’s social media, but I literally cannot stop.” Rather than telling you to delete Instagram or use more willpower, we might get curious about the part of you that keeps checking.

Perhaps that part is looking for evidence that your ex misses you, trying to prevent you from feeling forgotten, or trying to give you some sense of control over a situation where you feel completely powerless.

Perhaps underneath that part, there’s another, much more vulnerable part that is terrified of being abandoned. Suddenly, what looked like “I have no self-control” becomes something much more understandable.

Your therapist helps you access your own Self so that you can begin to develop a different relationship with your internal system. Rather than fighting those parts, you can begin to say, “I understand why you’re doing this.” We’re not agreeing with them or engaging in the behaviour they keep pushing onto you. We’re also not treating these parts like enemies. Throughout the work, we are looking to build harmony and internal trust.

Your protective parts begin to learn that they don’t have to work quite so hard. They don’t have to keep you perfect, keep everyone happy, prevent every possible rejection, or immediately numb every uncomfortable emotion. Instead, they trust the calm, curious, compassionate, clear, confident, courageous, creative, and connected part of you that can make decisions from a more grounded place.

IFS Therapy in Toronto

If you’re looking for IFS therapy in Toronto, reach out. I offer in person therapy in the St. Clair West region of Toronto, and online therapy throughout Ontario. 

Book a free 15-minute consultation call where we can figure out if we’re the right match for one another, or shoot me an email to ask any questions.

Want to keep learning? Read the following articles:

Understanding Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD): More Than Just Shyness

The “Good Child” Syndrome: Making Sense of Perfectionism and Guilt

The Myth of “Closure”: Why Waiting for an Apology Keeps You Trapped